That First Scary Fight

I don't know if anyone else out there is a fan of Marilyn French. There is a character in one of French's book who details the reason why she doesn't stay in a long term relationship with a man. Something to the effect that in the throes of love everything your beloved says is witty and amazing. And then, one day, your beloved opens their mouth and says something stupid. The scales fall away from your eyes and this primate sits before you grunting and beating his chest. This past weekend my beloved said something really stupid. But let me put this into context first.

I haven't been able to sustain a relationship with a man for longer than 10 years. Many of my relationships were 3 to 5 years. The reasons for leaving were varied. Including me finding someone else more compelling, or them finding someone else more compelling. Finally I reached a point where I felt more worried about having to be in a relationship, than I did being solo. A nice change.

When I was least looking for it, I fell in love. Someone, who in the throes of love seemed to be a good match. I don't want to get married and neither does he. We've been together for several years now and the communication is phenomenal, along with the, well um.... you know. I was quite the content older lady.

Let me say that my beloved works alot. He works really hard. He's great at what he does. He's one of those people you read about who are so connected that when they disconnect they feel set adrift. His present situation has left him with a work relationship that borders on the Freudian. The fact that they treat him so poorly has left him a little mad. So this weekend the combination of anxiety and what ever demons live in that little of belfry of his finally drove him right to the edge.

Aside from the fact that he told my oldest daughter to F herself, he also detailed how I don't appreciate him at all and my peri-menopausal ways were intolerable for him. This is a man who has told me how well I've handled my PMS and professes to love my children.

This guy really knows how to hit where I live apparently. I'm not sure what the future will bring. I hope we are stronger than this. But frankly I'm not sure when he's going to do this again, and the next time he does it....I may not stick around. The recriminations are awful. Part of me whats to kick him to the curb faster than you can say Kevin Federline. But honestly I feel like I'd be giving up on the best relationship I've had. Time will tell. More to come.