I Really Suck at This

Life thing. I am really bad at it. As evidenced by my short post yesterday I'm obviously having a melt down of some sort. The person responsible for getting my melt down mojo working will remain nameless.

I've been cranky and out of sorts all day. Some of that has to do with staying up waaay too late to finish watching Apocolypto and knitting. The knitting part was great, glad to get to the end of the movie because it comepletely sucked me in. Say what you will about Mel Gibson, but the movie was gorgeous and incredibly real. Bloody though. I watched many parts from behind my fingers waiting for the yucky part to be done.

I've been perusing all of these web sites that have these talented women making lovely things from fiber. Knitters, spinners, hand dyers, painters. Me, I'm just a WANNABE. And I just never seem to have the time to put into making something exquisite on my own anymore. It's all from a pattern. That's so sad.

Tomorrow it's one month till my 50th b-day. Big milestone. Half a century. Hope I don't get hit by a bus as some sort of karmic humor lesson. The retinoids are working already. My left cheek no longer looks like the face of a 60 year old. It matches my right cheek. I look my age, but I don't look old.

I have my own Beauty

Just because other people don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there. I'm a good compassionate loving person. I have great worth. Just because I am alive. I'll see my kids in a week and I can't wait.

All will be well.

FRIDAY!

It's Payday, Friday and Jeans Day all rolled into one. My favorite kind of Friday! I've been waiting for the weekend to show up. Maybe I'll get to knit some this weekend. I want to finish my sock.

Went to a lecture on Anti-Inflammatory diets last night. I have to admit I could have given the lecture with all of the research I've done. Still I learned a few things - like New Seasons Market needs to provide more comfy chairs than the poor excuses they had last night. Those were not chairs, they were cleverly disguised torture devices from Medieval times. Hard, wooden. Impossible to find a soft cushy place for my bony butt.

Italy is only a little more than three months away. My 50th is slightly more than a month. I'm so excited. I bought myself some yarn to knit a going to Italy sweater. How retarded is that?

Disappointing Doctor Appointment

I've got two more weeks of applying this nasty efudex cream to my chest. I can't wait for it to be over with. The raised spot by the corner of my eye is still undetermined. I've made an appointment for Oct 29th so the dermatologist can look at it, instead of the PA.

On the bright side I can begin using the retinoids again. That should have my face looking less wrinkly in the next few weeks. I am very happy about that. I should be ready for Italy and looking quite fetching.

Finally finished the toe of the toe up sock done with the Eastern/Turkish cast-on. It was ugly, but I finally prevailed after 40 some odd false starts. Persistence is everything for me with new knitting techniques. I sometimes just have to do the thing over and over again. I'm now to the point that I am doing a 2x2 rib until I get to the heel. Things already fit better and should go FAST.

My big news was getting to go out to a concert last night. We went to see Los Lobos at the Zoo. We even had back stage passes so we were close enough to touch the musicians. The music was insanely good. Latin/Mexican music always makes you want to move your hips and this was no exception. I really enjoyed myself, but I have to admit it took me some time to get into not being at home and picking up/cleaning. I've got to wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I think that way. The night was warm and perfect and the company superb. Why was I stressing about not being at home takin care of biz? I'm weird!

I Couldn't Possily Care Less

About work, that is. There are lots o' things I care lot's about. Work isn't one of them as it turns out. Working on the dastardly and elusive Turkish cast-on. Sheesh. I can get the cast-on part, but the resulting knitting it disgustingly sad. Well, let me re-state that. I got the cast-on part from a tutorial at Knitty (another nice lady knitter from the Portland area)which does the Interweave Knits Summer issue one better. I think one knitter called the instructions in the magazine "austere". That was an understatement.

So anyway. The Knitty site said that she thought the world could use a "more humane" Turkish or Eastern cast-on. Truly this is more humane. I didn't feel like I was all thumbs, only 65%. Thankfully, the Knitty end result was far fewer odd bits that threatened to open into holes when the increases begin for the sock toe. I'm going to need a crowbar, backhoe and a pickle to get the rest right. Or maybe just a tiny crochet hook.

More Mid LIfe Crisis

I spent most of this weekend feeling out of sorts. It made me chafe a bit to think I've wasted any more time being tired and not feeling well. I wish I could take a cue from people who don't have much time left and just move it. Wake up and smell the coffee. Or as Emo Phillips says, smell the coffin.

So my skin is officially back to normal aside from a few spots that flush extra red when I work out or rub my skin. Spent most of the weekend either getting or preparing food. The Beaverton Farmer's Market was a blast. Served ourselves up some really delicious fresh food.

Made a trip into Portland to pick up some double pointed needles for a sock project. This is actually the second time I've used this yarn for "a sock project". The first time through the sock heel was backward. I made the mate correctly, saw the error and tore out the first sock. Then the project sat lost while I moved last summer. I found another sock pattern which will fit better and requires a tricky cast on called Eastern or Turkish cast on. It makes for a nice toe that isn't sewn together on the end. Yep, you guessed it, I tore both the half reknitted and finished sock out and will start again. The yarn store was going out of business and had everything 30% off. If I'd had a little more money I would have bought some stash replacement. But I still have all of the yarn my friend Kris gave me and it's just too hard to let go of. I'm slowly making small things for a compassionate knitting project. It's nice to have yarn that can quickly be made into a hat or scarf. Something I can easily put my hands on and go without remembering the pattern. Once that's gone, who knows what I'll do.

But I want to do something. Wake up and smell the coffin.

Half way through

My progeny are half way through their extended stay with their dad. I've battled through thinking that he doesn't deserve to have them, because it's not true. But just because it isn't true doesn't mean I don't think it. Their dad decided to give up the landline for his cell and now I have a really hard time getting a hold of them. Where they are staying doesn't have good cell coverage. I try not to snarl when they have to call me because I can't call them. It just frustrates me.

Today someone said how good my skin looked. It made me feel really great. I'm just about two weeks past the finish of applying the cream to my face and it's so much better looking now. Not red, just a pale pink although I continue to peel lightly.

My Sweetie flew in last night. It was so good to see him and just have me and him time to hang out. We've got another three weeks or so of hanging out. I think it's going to be great.

Last word on the knitting. I think I'm just going to work on ripping out the socks I started many moons ago and use a new pattern to finish them. A pattern that might actually fit, and a pattern that might get done.

The Urge to Knit Part II

Just found out the yarn for the project I am currently obsessing over will cost in the neighborhood of 150 dollars. While I'd love to have that kind of dough to do that kind of sweater - I just don't. I'm not the only person in this boat. In fact I think there is a whole barge full of us. I surfed the web to see if I could come up with a suitable replacement yarn. Again, I'm not the only one on this search. The pattern for the Oriel Lace Blouse has caught many knitters imaginations.

I may have to punt and do a modern Aryan in Merino and Silk and be happy. I think that I will be able to find a substitute someday. On that day it will be full speed ahead. There seems to be classes of knitters. Some love patterns, some love color and some magical people can combine both. Me, I can't carry color to save my life. Maybe that's precisely the reason I should try it.

The Urge to Knit

Another great weekend. Not much going on. I slept well, except last night. I stayed up too late because I wasn't tired. Well, I did have a nap at 4:00, but besides that, I was too excited about the things I was cooking up (food from the farmer's market). I was also excited about having the time to do things slowly. I made pesto from a lovely pile of basil I bought. I boiled beets for tonight's dinner. I roasted a chicken - ditto - for tonight. I made a snack of crunchy french bread, fresh sliced tomato, basil and fresh mozzarella. So many good tastes, so many calories.

I visited Powell's, the cathedral of literature. Worked out. Slept in. Went to a la-di-dah yarn store for inspiration. The weather was cool. 20 degrees below the approximation of hell we had earlier in the week. Cleaned the house a little. Walked the dog. Smiled at people I don't know. Life is good!

Oh yeah, this was titled The Urge to Knit. I have bought myself a nice knitting magazine. Said magazine has several interesting projects. I am jonesing to knit again. Will I have the time? Will I make the time?

A Reason to Celebrate

It's Friday and payday. My friend has gotten her double biopsy results back. All is normal - and wonderful. My other friend with lymphoma has gotten a preliminary report back stating that there is no sign of the tumor in her jaw. My Sweetie's best friend's son has received an all clear on his scan as well. His testicular cancer had spread into his abdomen. For awhile it looked as though his only choices were a bowel and bladder resection or repeating a chemotherapy protocol that had not worked for him in the past.

All of this is great news. For awhile there I felt as though each day brought more dire news concerning another loved one with cancer. The last. littlest patient still has the verdict out. My Mother's next door neighbor had a baby in February and she has cancer of the brain stem. Things are not looking quite so rosy for that family, so my heart goes out to them. I can't even imagine what that Mom and Dad must be going through.

Me, I'm still peeling and hopefully pre-cancer free too.

It's a Good Thing No One Else is Reading This

Please be warned there is a huge pity party coming your way in this post.

I spent most of the last hour stopping myself from either laughing or crying. I'm not sure what possessed me, but I decided to try sunscreen and tinted moisturizer today. I left the Aquaphor at home. Big Mistake. I walked back from the gym completely unaware that the combination of dry, flaky, peeling skin, sunscreen and tinted moisturizer had dried and now resembled a shag rug hanging off of my chin. I am not making this up, and this is not an exaggeration in any way.

I set about peeling off what remained. It's sort of like peeling back sunburned skin that has flaked. I think I'll stick with the Aquaphor for another day or two.

I can exfoliate! I can!

Today is the first day I chose to try and exfoliate some of the dead stuff off of my face with stronger means. Pre-Efudex I used a buff puff to take off dead skin cells each morning in the shower. Today was the first time Post-Efudex. It totally rocked. And instead of staying a shade of newly flambed lobster, the redness remained happy pink and then faded. When my skin dried there were several areas of tight dry skin that remained. I'm sure those will flake in the next few days and I'll be left with pink smooth skin that will tolerate sun screen again.

I think that the infusion of Omega 3 and 6 was a great idea. Add to that my eating fresh yummy veggies and fruits and my eyes are clear and my skin looks healthy. I need to remember that the salmon and sushi are vital beauty treatments, not just food. They are essential to my beauty regimen. (Insert a snort of derision here)

Here's to more flaking. More bad stuff I do not need is leaving my body.

When exactly do I get less red and itchy?

OK, it's also 99 plus degree outside. Just slightly less than hell or Palm Springs. I'm less red, but still awfully pink. Part of the problem is that only parts of my face were affected. So, much of my skin is pasty white with big red scabby polka dots on it. Add to this the "Fetching" bee keeper veil combo that is my hat and scarf. I can't bear the thought of sunscreen yet and I must be protected from the sun which is blazing to beat the tar out of the UV meter. Add to that I am actually painting myself in diaper cream. I got to work with big white splotches of it covering my delicate pink skin. The stupid cortisone did nothing. It was supposed to blanch the redness and stop the itching. The diaper cream is doing that as well as providing a small amount of UV protection on the healing skin.

I seriously do have a UV meter. It's a little card that measures the intrinsic UVness of the moment. I use it while driving to prevent myself from throwing caution to the winds and whipping off the lovely sun hat, scarf ensemble.

The itchiness has subsided (except in the heat). I'm able to peel off the gummy flakes of skin that have become saturated in diaper cream and the goopy stuff known as Aquaphor. I have lots more to peel on my chin and cheeks. My nose I have been able to exfoliate over the last day. So I'm now looking forward to day 10 which falls around next Monday I think. I should see some real improvement by then. My next milestone will be 2 weeks.

I am still glad I did this. I can see the many spots that were waiting to turn on me. And funny thing. I can't even see the scar from the surgery anymore because the other symptoms are so much more noticeable. The scar has softened and that makes it look much less puckery and sad.

DO NOT USE SUN AS A COSMETIC!

I am SOOOOOO done

Got the word yesterday that I have come to the end of the Efudex treatment on my face. And not a moment too soon I might add. While I never looked like Mr TopicalChemo dude, I had definitely reached the end of my patience with the itching and unsightly appearance. I think I just peel and scab a little now and then wait for the redness to fade in 4-6 weeks. Then I start Tazorac which is an industrial strength Retinoid. That will continue the process of getting the old skin off and letting newer, healthy skin emerge.

This is the first weekend alone in a long time and I'm going to take it slow. Kids are gone, sweetie is gone. I will enjoy myself. Without itching like crazy

4th of July firework are a memory, but a very good one. The sounds of the Waterfont Blues festival in the background. The many bridges across the Willamette. The little fireworks displays making a lovely backdrop to the main attraction. Hanging out with my beloved late at night - it's still 80+ degrees. It doesn't get much better than that.

The Heat is On

OK, now I look like someone who had a pot of boiling oil held really close to their face for an extended period of time. It itches and I find myself waking to the sensation of me scratching my face. Which is pleasant for the first nano second, and then it hurts.

My beloved is a restless sleeper who snores and he came home late last night so I've had just a little bit of sleep. Add to that the new night guard and it's been a little less than ideal to sleep. The night guard is supposed to help with bruxism - tooth grinding. I've always been a bit of a grinder and clencher but it was affecting one of my teeth to the point that I was worried I needed a root canal. Enter the night guard. I'll give it the next two weeks and see how it does.

I admit that this whole Efudex experience has been humbling. I'm uncomfortable with how I look, and feel just bad enough to make me a little cranky. Add to that the fact that my weekend was shot through the heart on our abortive maiden voyage to send my kids off to Hawaii. There was a problem with the age of my youngest not meeting the unaccompanied minor cut off, and the age of my eldest not meeting the required 18 to escort. Their dad had to fly over to pick them up from the airport, instead of waiting for the destination arrival. They finally got out the next day, but by then the damage was done to relaxing and hanging out with my beloved.

My best friend and friend I have known the longest has to go in for a double biopsy on Thursday. They found some micro-calcification in both of her breasts and it make me very afraid. I will be praying for her and I hope you do too. While I suspect it's nothing it still makes me afraid for her, and hits way to close to home.