Driving Miss Daisy crazy

My kids are home for two days before they head to an island paradise for 5 weeks with their Dad. I'm glad they are going because they need to spend that time with their Dad, but I still can't help but feel he does not deserve them. I'm sure I am wrong about that, but I can't help how I feel.

My Darlin' man is making me crazy right now. I'm seeing that he is very insecure and needs more reassurance than I realized. I am going far beyond my usual efforts to provide loving comments and support for him. The funny thing is, the more nice things I say, the more insulting and harsh things he has to say back. I brought him beautiful raspberries and strawberries freshly picked. He takes one look at them and pronounces them "dog turds". Not in a mean way. Like it's so hysterically funny. Which I guess it would be if I didn't feel like a simple thank you and a smile would have gone over so much better.

Not sure what to do about that. I just wonder if I can do this trade nice for nasty for the long term. I don't say nice things just to get something back, but I do think every time something nice is said, a dirty joke need not be the only and every response. Dunno, maybe it's just me.

It Ain't Acne it's Efudex

I think this may be my last really easy day for awhile. The redness is spreading and some of the spots are now slightly crusty and brown. I don't think I'll ever be as bad as the topicalchemo guy, but I did want the cortisone cream today and took an Ibuprofen for extra measure.

There are many measle looking spots on my face and the burn/itch is slight but persistent. I have the most spots on my chin. Some of the spots are large, like a thumb print. Some are small like a pimple. And I have a few pimples too.

Last night we went bike riding around 7:30. It felt really good to be out and about. The air was soothing. I'll have to see if I can manage that tonight.

Kids come back tomorrow for 2 days and then they are off to Hawaii. I'm glad to have them home but at the same time I am relieved they are heading out again. I am enjoying this being a grownup with no strings. I hemmed my skirt last night because I had the time and the energy. Those days are few and far between when the kids are around. I hope that my oldest having her license will be good for me to get a break for the driving I've done. Time will tell.

Is it Acne or is it Efudex?

I've always wondered what it would be like to look like a Zombie. I think I'm going to find out. For now I look just like I'm afflicted with Meth Mites and I am afraid if I get pulled over for any reason, the officer will search my car for Meth. It's not like it happens with regularity (getting pulled over), or that I really look like I'm doing Meth.

The redness is beginning in spots around my face where the other darker brown spots are. I'm not sure if that means that the brown spots aren't ever going to go away or if I'm still going to have to deal with them as worrisome pre-cancerous lesions if they don't resolve with the treatment.

Friday I'll see the PA for the dermatologist. I guess I'll ask those questions then. Till then it's twice daily until they say I don't gotta anymore.

Getting Old is not for Sissies

Warning, this will be a bit of a rant. I'm in day 6 of the Efudex treatment and still nothing happening. I have to say I am not unhappy about it. The less time I spend in pain the better. Apparently though, my sub-conscious mind is having quite the fling with worrying. So much so that I am grinding my teeth. This has caused one of my teeth to be very unhappy. I went to the dentist today and he feels it's just inflammation from me pressing on the tooth and irritating the nerve.

So to add to the hats, and glass and sunscreen and cell phone and headset and all the other STUFF that I get to lug around, I will now add a mouth guard to wear at night. OK, enough whining. I get to keep the tooth apparently, instead of rendering it one of the undead through root canal. That is if it stops being inflamed and doesn't get infected. Which it shouldn't. I hope. OK I really hope alot.

I am also having some pretty unpleasant cramps. I didn't want to take any pain medication just in case something was really wrong with the tooth and it would make it harder to diagnose it. I think I'll go ahead and take some now. The xray didn't show anything scary.

Whew! I'm adjusting to my kids being gone, and the nausea from the chemo is better. OK enough ranting.

The Kid's are Gone, the Funk has arrived

My progeny have left for 2 weeks. The first day is really hard. I feel so unmoored when they leave at first. Then gradually I get up and start finding my own rythmn. I'm still in the finding my own rythmn fight now. Cooking foods I like. The house stays clean, and quiet. Sometimes way too quiet.

I'm on day three of Efudex and nothing has shown up yet. I know it will, just later than I wanted it to, because it means that the treatment will take longer. But it will take what it takes. And I'll still be here.

The airport was horrible. And I behaved badly. I'm PMSing and it makes me not very nice. I hope to sleep better tonight and then get in a good peaceful day of work tomorrow.

My Last Day of Sanity for Awhile

I'm OK for now. I'm going to take it one day at a time. That's all I can say, it that I'm not going to project what will happen or how I will react. I'll deal with the stuff that happens as best I can. I'm hoping for peace of mind to carry me through this.

What the Efudex

I've been googling Efudex for several days now. Trying to get more information. It seems there isn't a whole lot out there except personal experiences. Which is good, but sometimes too subjective. I was hoping to know if the flushed face look improves without really ever going away, or if the damage to sweat glands is real or imagined.

My youngest child's promotion is coming soon. The kid was voted most likely to become a Rock Star for the yearbook. Last year it was most likely to become President. I don't know which one is more accurate. It strikes me that both occupations share more than a little in common.

Days are closing down to Friday when I start. My dermatologist has also prescribed a cortisone cream which she wants me to begin applying right away. Hopefully I'll avoid some of the look of having my face burned off and discomfort. I'm all for that!

Happy Sweet 16

A lovely time was had by all. A nice group of kids who visited, laughed, told stories and didn't make me regret that my daughter invited them. The food was great, the location was perfect. If only the weather had cooperated. Well you can't have everything, but a happy 16 year old is pretty close to perfection.

The agony of de-face

So take a look at www.topicalchemo.com will ya.

This will be me in about 2 weeks. It took a lot of soul searching but I decided that burning my face would be more fun than cutting my face again. I hope I am right and not hopelessly delusional.

I'll post a pic or two once I start. I'm going to try and work from home due to the pain and itching if it gets bad, which I think it might.

I'm trying to upload pics of the Sweet 16 party this weekend. It was really fun!

It's a Beautiful Life

Just want to share these pics of my lovely hanging baskets and my progeny. Both of them lovely pieces of my existence. Although certainly the ranking varies from baskets to peoples.

When the World Comes Far too Close

I am just devastated by the news today. A former co-worker of mine has been diagnosed with Non-Hodgkins Lymphoma. She found it because of a tumor she had growing in her jaw that she thought was a bone infection from an abscessed tooth. It wasn't.

Heather is a lovely, thoughtful, accomplished woman. She is younger than me, but I always looked up to her. She dressed comfortably and casually in a way that I have since tried to emulate. She is soft spoken and hard working. She got married to someone she was wild about and didn't seem to have the same ambivalence I did to marriage. Her relationship now includes two kids ages 3 and 5. One of them a red haired cutie who has a carbon copy of her mother's smile.

This is the height of unfairness. I don't understand how we are supposed to go on when the world insists on pressing down upon us the fact that we are ephemeral at best. I've been reading her blog and it's an amazing study of someone who has entered Cancer World, as Heather has begun to call it.

It's a pretty apt name for this new place she lives. I don't want to go live there, but in some ways I have. There is a new spot on my face which requires I go back to the dermatologist to have looked at. Will it be biopsy the Basal cell again, or just a funny growth.

Either way, the world again reminds me that I am human and absolutely vulnerable to millions of combinations of errant gene possibilities and environmental assault.

I think I will go home and hug my kids a little tighter.

Yardwork, Housework Weekend

Ran myself ragged this weekend. The cars needed washing, the house needed scrubbing, the planters out front needed re-planting. And it was bloody HOT. I didn't want to run the air conditioner all day so I opened the house first thing in the morning to cool off, and then shut the house up for the rest of the day. I turned on the air conditioning late in the afternoon and then only down to 75 for a short time. It was a relief not to feel parboiled at the end of the day. It was a little more comortable to sleep as well. We opened the windows before bed and slept to the sounds of the highway and the night birds.

The planters were so fun. I bought shade plants for some and sun plants for others. There are verbena, salvia, lobelia and imatireda (haha) plus two sweet potato vines for the sun. The shade planters have New Guinea impatiens, impatiens, and coleus plus a few volunteer pansies. The big sun planter had vinca and ivy in it which I ripped out completely.

As I started to slow down to make dinner the smoke detectors started to go off. In my old house I had one. In my new house I have six. And the ceilings are 9 foot. Except in my bedroom where they are 12 foot at the peak of the vault. I ran around getting on chairs and disabling the few I could reach. It took my 8 foot ladder hauled upstairs to finally get them to be quiet. It was another 20 dollars in batteries to get them completely silenced. I'm guessing the batteries were over a year old and they finally gave up the ghost.

I was able to get to bed at 9:00 completely sore and tired, but it was a restless night of sleep for me. Hope tonight will be much better.

A Night Off for Mom

My kids are off to a sleep over. I have the house to myself. What to do with all that free time?

I'll probably wash the cars and water the plants. Maybe start the laundry. That takes some of the time back for Saturday. I will be taking the dog to the groomers so she won't smell so bad. What is it about water dogs, they get so greasy and smelly. She is the best dog ever, despite the fact that she is blind and greasy and smelly.

Work has been good and busy this week. I like having a sense of purpose for the day. Lot's to do. Wasn't that how I started this whole blog thing? Looking for my sense of purpose. I'm not sure if it's shown up yet, but it seems less lost.

My daughter was chosen student of the semester for her team. There are 4 teams in the school, 2 for each grade. It's a huge achievement for her and I am so proud my chest might burst. She's had some struggles in the past realizing how wonderful she is. I think she's finally getting used to the idea that she is pretty terrific.

Well I'm off to my weekend!